short fiction by Chloe Littell
Image: “William Stott-of-Oldham – Awakening of the Spirit of the Rose”
Dear Emma,
It’s really fucking cold here. I’m regretting the move a little. I start work on Monday, and I’m excited to at least have some human contact. You know, get out of the house. I don’t know anyone and I don’t know how to know anyone.
I miss California, and you, and Teddy, and Mom and Dad, and the beach, and the house, and the bars. Oh my god I miss the bars. Can you believe that they’re only open until midnight here? Fucking unbelievable. I thought the 2am closing time was restrictive, but this? This is a crime. I’m going to write to the governor or mayor or whoever.
No I’m not. I’m going to sit here and stare at all these boxes until Monday. I haven’t even been to the bars. There might not be a reason for them to stay open later than midnight.
Love,
your sister to the east,
Alice
P.S. I found your note in my coffee maker, it made me smile
Dear Julia,
I’m not sure where to begin. Is it ok to start a letter like that? It feels awfully strange to start a letter like that.
Dear Julia,
I’m so lonely.
Dear Julia,
I’m not sure where to begin, and I’m lonely. It’s the middle of winter, and it’s after new years, so now all I have to look forward to is spring. The snow is beautiful… it just makes me feel so alone, especially now that the kids are back at school and Wallace is back at work. I’m so bored, and all anyone suggests is to pick up another hobby. I’m sick of hobbies. I crochet, I scrapbook for god’s sake. I’m stuck. I ran the dishwasher half full just so I could unload it.
Olivia
Dear Emma,
Monday came and went, and it wasn’t terrible. I’m surrounded by old ladies all day, and I couldn’t find a good place to get coffee, but I will definitely be busy. The Library needs work. It’s rough. They don’t have any events! Nothing happens here, it’s just a library. No community interaction. No book clubs or writing classes, not even AA. There’s old posters that I swear to god are from the 80s on the walls, and their computers are all like a million years old too. No Mac’s in sight.
One of the librarians gave me a nasty look when I took off my coat (which is unreasonably huge, did I mention its fucking freezing all the time?) and I’m trying to figure out if it was just the fact that I was wearing jeans to work, or if it was the ACAB t-shirt I had on that set her off. I’m having a hard time believing that she would know what ACAB stands for, so I’m inclined to believe it was the former. I need to go shopping.
How are things? How’s school? I hope it’s better than last semester, and I hope your roommate’s not ignoring you anymore. Tell Mom and Dad I say hi, and give Teddy a belly rub for me.
Love,
your SUPER young and SUPER cool sister,
Alice
Dear Julia,
I read Clare’s admissions essay again today, even though she submitted it a few weeks ago. She’s so bright and young, you would have loved her. She reminds me of you. She writes like you. I’m tempted to go up to the attic to try and find my box of things from college, but I don’t want the kids or Wallace to see it. There’s just too much to explain, and it makes me miss you. I like having some things that are just mine. That box is just mine. I don’t want to have to tell them your story, or show them the things you used to write for me. I don’t want their pity, or their confusion. Right now, the memory of you is so clean and clear, it’s just like the snow outside. I’m scared their footprints would ruin it.
You always did like a good simile.
Olivia
Dear Emma,
I had the chance to decorate my office this week, and I put up the prints you made for me last year. It felt good. It felt really good to decorate this space purely for me, instead of having to ask Paul what he thought. He wouldn’t let me hang your prints in our bedroom. He said they were too ‘busy’. Bullshit. They’re awesome. Good riddance.
Love and pride and appreciation,
Alice
Dear Julia,
The reason I started writing to you again is because I’m beginning to understand that I think I’m unhappy. Hear that hesitation? I’m scared to admit it to myself. But it’s true. I’m unhappy. I’m such a cliche. You would say I’m a cliche. We made fun of this cliche. The stay at home mom, fat and unhappy with her dull life, longing for something exciting to happen. It’s sad, but it’s true.
While I’m in the mood, I’m going to admit some other difficult truths. Wallace and I haven’t had sex in over a year. We haven’t even talked about it. It just happened. Or stopped happening. And the worst part is, I don’t miss it. I think I started the cold spell. Even when we were intimate it was never anything special. It always felt sort of transactional, with very clear goals involved.
I’m thinking back to when we were trying to have Jack. We were always asleep by 10pm.
Speaking of Jack, I love my kids. We love our kids. Wallace really loves our kids. They’re just really great little people, and I’m so proud of them. Clare’s going off to college in the fall, Jack’s starting high school. They’re both doing great things, and I get to watch them. They make me happy. Maybe I’ll talk to Wallace tonight.
Olivia
Dear Emma,
I wasn’t completely honest with you. I said good riddance. I don’t mean it, at least not all the time. I’ve come to accept that I never really loved Paul, he was just incredibly convenient. He cared about me so it was easy to care about him. I miss having someone care about me. It makes me feel guilty now, like I was using him for affection or attention or whatever. I thought I’d grown out of that. Apparently not. If I didn’t know I was doing it, is it wrong? There’s some freshman year philosophy for you. I hope that class is going well by the way, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it.
I definitely still miss him sometimes. The stability and normalcy was good, but it feels sort of good to be alone. I feel like I can focus again, and I’m making plans for the library. The librarians don’t seem to hate me as much anymore, I baked them muffins and got a new coffee maker for the front. I also got a new wireless router and they were super impressed when I set it up myself. I hope they’re beginning to see the benefits of having someone under 50 working with them.
My first undertaking as director is to start some book clubs. I’m hosting a couple of children’s ones for different age groups (that I’ll put the librarians in charge of) and an adult one that I’ll take care of. I’m hoping to hold them at the same time, so the adults don’t have to worry about child care. Eventually there’ll be an after school program, but that’s going to take a while to set up. Sorry, I know it’s boring work stuff, but I’m really excited for the adult book club! Hopefully it’ll give me a chance to meet some people. At the very least I can get involved in the community a little bit.
Love,
Alice
Dear Julia,
I talked to Wallace. He said I need to get out more. I told him I was unhappy, and I brought up the intimacy problem, and he said I need to get out more. I pushed his buttons and he didn’t even react. It should have been a fight. Maybe he doesn’t care anymore either. Maybe we’re in the same boat.
Olivia
Dear Emma,
Tomorrow is the first book club meeting, and I’m terrified. We aren’t even discussing the book yet, it’s just to introduce myself and see who’s interested, and to pass out copies, but I’m so god damn scared. What if they don’t like the book I chose? What if they’ve all already read it? Oh, I chose The Awakening by Kate Chopin by the way. A classic. But what if it’s too, ya know, feminist leaning? Should I care?
Ok I care, but… I love this book, and I’m excited to share it with the community. It’s a great first book! There’s so much to discuss, and it’s easy, and relatable. It’ll be great. It’s going to be great.
Thanks for letting me talk myself off a ledge all the time. I need to remember not to swear.
Love,
Alice
P.S. I accidentally bought enough cheese and crackers to feed an army. I’m going to be eating them for a month. You should come visit and eat cheese and crackers.
Dear Julia,
Maryanne invited me to a book club meeting at the library. Apparently they have a new director, and she’s young. Maryanne told me all about it this morning when I dropped the kids off at school. She went on and on about her boots. Now I feel like I have to go just to see these boots. I should bring Clare, it would make her feel grown up.
Olivia
Dear Emma,
Success! Victory is mine! We had a crazy good turnout, I handed out all of my copies and I have to order more. We also made $500 in donations, and all the cheese and crackers are gone. It was insane. I met so many people! A lot of them are moms but still so many people! Em. I’m in with the moms. They liked me.
I did a little introduction of the book, and said that everyone should read the first five chapters for next week. I hope they like it. I really wasn’t expecting this many people to show up though, I’m a little worried about leading such a large group in a discussion.
Have you read The Awakening? If not, you should. I think you’d like it.
I’m on top of the motherfucking world!
Love,
Alice
Dear Julia,
I went to the book club with Maryanne because Clare didn’t want to go. It was surprisingly fun, even though most of the people there were just coming to see what the new director’s outfit would be. Her name’s Alice, and Maryanne was right, she’s very young. She wasn’t wearing boots though, and I was a little disappointed.
We’re reading a book called The Awakening, and I think I remember you mentioning it our freshman year. You probably told me to read it, and I didn’t. I wish I had.
I like it so far, it’s been a long time since I read something worthwhile. I have a few days before the next meeting and I’m almost done with the assigned reading for the week. It’s all about this Victorian Era woman named Edna who has this terrible husband who only wants her to look after her children. She’s pretty unhappy, but nobody can understand why. The husband sends her gifts and things, and everyone else is jealous, but they don’t see that she wants more than gifts.
I need something else to read in between the meetings. That box in the attic is calling my name, and Wallace and the kids are asleep.
It’s been 20 years, and I haven’t thought about that box this much since you died.
Olivia
Dear Emma,
Second meeting for the book club went significantly worse than the first. Way less people showed up, and I was sort of relieved, but those who did didn’t seem to be enjoying the book as much as I’d hoped. I thought it would reach these housewives more than it is. Apparently they all have perfect marriages.
One woman did seem to like it though, she stayed after the meeting to talk to me about it. Her name is escaping me right now, but she’s a mom of two and married. She offered to get a glass of wine with me some time. You know I prefer manhattans but I’d drink some wine with this woman.
Lol who am I kidding, I’d drink a glass of wine with anyone at this point.
Love,
Alice
Dear Julia,
I think I made a new friend. I tried to talk to Maryanne about the book, but she didn’t do the reading, and the discussion in book club was sort of disappointing. I felt bad for Alice because so many people didn’t show up for the meeting, so I stayed after everyone left to talk about the first few chapters, and I invited her to get a glass of wine with me sometime. She seemed really excited, and I am too. She’s so smart! And young. I feel bad for her. There aren’t enough young people in this town. She must be lonely.
If I’m lonely, she must be lonely.
Olivia
Dear Emma,
I got that glass of wine with Olivia. That’s her name, by the way. I learned she went to college on the west coast, and she studied English, and that she has a daughter who’s a year younger than you. We’ve actually got a lot in common. I think we’re friends? I have a 40 year old friend, but I like her. She’s a little shy, which is kind of sweet. She just seems really tired. We’ve decided to make it a weekly thing, getting wine the night before book club. It’s nice.
When are you coming to visit?
Love,
Alice
Dear Julia,
Alice and I had a glass of wine together last night, and it was lovely. We’ve decided to make it a weekly occurrence, to get a glass of wine the night before book club. I learned she’s from California, and she has a younger sister named Emma, who’s a year older than Clare. We talked about The Awakening and I told her a little about the town. I haven’t made a new friend in a long time. It feels really good to have someone young and new to talk to. She’s so pretty, the bartender was flirting with her the whole time. She’s oblivious to it of course, she’s too young to appreciate it.
I miss being in my twenties. I miss you. I miss having fun.
Olivia
Dear Emma,
I got more wine with Olivia, and we got a little drunk. She told me she relates way too much to The Awakening. I pressed her a little but she didn’t open up. Now things are interesting. I have an unhappy housewife for a friend.
I told her I email you all the time, and she told me she writes letters to an old college friend. She’s coming over next week for our weekly wine meeting. My apartment is still a mess.
Love,
Alice
Dear Julia,
I told someone about you. I mean not really, I told Alice I write letters to an old college friend, which is true. I just didn’t tell her you’re dead. It’s too strange. I haven’t even told Wallace about you. My parents know not to bring you up. Nobody here knows. It felt good to tell someone though, just that you existed.
I also told Alice that I relate to The Awakening. That’s scary to admit, even to myself.
Olivia
Dear Emma,
Funny thing, wine.
It’s been a while, I need to update you. Olivia’s been coming over every week, and each week she tells me a little bit more about her life. I can’t blame her for relating to the book.
She told me about her issues with her husband, who I still haven’t met. His name is Wallace, which I find hilarious. Can you imagine naming a kid Wallace? Just imagine a tiny baby named Wallace. Wallace! The issues aren’t funny, but the name is. I told her about Paul, and I feel guilty. I got to leave, she doesn’t.
She also told me that the college friend she writes to is dead. I don’t know what to do with that. She’s complex, dude. 40 year olds are complex. I’m glad I can be some sort of emotional release though, it sounds like she really needed someone new in her life. It sounds like she really, really, REALLY, needed someone to talk to.
Love,
Alice
Dear Julia,
What the fuck am I doing here?
Alice is rubbing off on me, I started swearing. I’ve told her way too much. I told her about Wallace, I told her about you. I hope it’s the wine, but I don’t think so. I don’t know what it is about her, but she just pulls things out of me.
Pulls is too strong a word. It’s easy. I know there’s no feasible way she can understand what I’m dealing with but she does. She’s like you.
Olivia
Dear Emma,
Holy shit. Holy shit holy shit holy shit. I know I don’t have to tell you this but dear god do not tell Mom and Dad.
Tonight, Olivia brought over these short stories her dead friend wrote. She said she hadn’t read them in 20 years, that she hadn’t shown them to anyone. I was honored. I am honored. I like that she lets me see things and hear things that other people don’t. I like having a window. But anyway, she comes in and we’re sitting on the couch, drinking this bottle of wine she brought from home and reading these stories that her DEAD FRIEND WROTE and she started to cry. I reached over and put a hand on her shoulder, and she just gave me this look. It was heartbreaking. Believe me when I tell you, I wanted nothing more in the entire world than to make that look STOP. We sat there in silence for a while, and then she said “I think I was in love with her.” I didn’t know what to do. I just reacted, Emma. I kissed this married woman. I kissed A MARRIED WOMAN ON THE LIPS IN MY LIVING ROOM. I didn’t even think. I just did it. I just leaned over and kissed her, and she kissed me back. And it was kind of awesome.
She got really quiet after that, and it was really awkward and weird between us, and then she got up, put all the stories in the box, and left. She didn’t even say goodbye. I feel terrible.
What do I do now? What the hell am I supposed to do now?
Love,
Alice
Dear Julia,
I made a mistake. I made a really big mistake. I never should have read The Awakening. I never should have gone to that book club. I should have just stayed in the house and unloaded the dishwasher.
Alice kissed me. I was crying, and she kissed me. I made the ridiculous decision to bring over your short stories, and read them with her, because I really wanted to, and she reminds me so much of you and I didn’t want to read them alone. Then, I made the ridiculous decision of crying in front of her. Then I made the even more ridiculous decision of telling her I was in love with you. And then she kissed me. And I kissed her back. I liked it.
What have I done?
Olivia
Dear Olivia,
I am profoundly sorry. I’m not sure what came over me, and I wasn’t thinking about the consequences. I value our friendship so much, and I made a terrible mistake that put that in jeoproday.
Dear Olivia,
I wish I could say that I’m sorry, but I’m not. It wanted to kiss you, so I did. Those are the facts.
Dear Olivia,
Please come over so we can talk.
Dear Olivia,
I’ve started this letter too many times, and I can’t figure out what to say. Please come over so we can talk.
Best,
Alice
Dear Alice,
I can’t.
Olivia
